Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Dear Unwelcome Guest-

You arrived at my home unexpectedly several days ago after an absence of a year. I'll gladly confess, I am thankful you've been away so long.

I am normally happy to welcome friends into my home, but you make my heart quiver in fear. It doesn't make much difference that we've known each other for a long time. 

I'll grudgingly admit you have taught me a lot over the years.

You have taught me true humility as you've brought me to my knees in tears, begging Heavenly Father to take you away from my life.

You have taught me patience as I've realized during each visit that there isn't much I can do to send you on your merry way and leave me alone.

You have taught me to deeply appreciate the precious gift of healthy body as you've effectively crippled mine, stolen my vision and warped my ability to think.

You created within me a deeper desire to use my body to improve the world, encourage the people around me, reach out to others and serve my family more...because I can't do ANYTHING other than writhe in pain for hours on end when you hover over me. In my mind, I picture you rubbing your hands together in glee and laughing maniacally as you watch me suffer.

Even though I am honestly thankful for the things you've taught me, I still don't want you to visit. You aren't very considerate- you monopolize my life each time you stop by.

Unfortunately you never stop for a quick chat...you like to settle in for long afternoons together. 

You force me to ignore my family and bring all  my daily productivity to a grinding halt.

I feel so helplessly chained and trapped by you.

Why are we friends? 

I can't help it. 

I'm powerless to end our acquaintance no matter how much I loathe you. 

You are my hated ailment of migraines. 

You've kept me under your thumb for several days now. Please leave. 

Most sincerely,

Me

Why Homestead?

(This is part of a two-part post. Read HOW I am making a difference in our family's food here.)

Am I crazy?

Some people have asked if I'm crazy in my desires for self-reliance. It's so much work. It can be tedious or boring. Don't I have loftier goals for myself?

It's hard to explain all the reason's why I feel so strongly about the food we eat and where it comes from. There is so much to say. There are entire books on this topic alone. Here are the summarized points I want you to consider (there are a lot of links so you can explore the topics more in depth):

1- What are the ethics behind your food? Did you know America's sugar is almost exclusively made by slaves?  The sugar for your candy is made by modern slaves in the Caribbean, and they are owned by AMERICAN companies. Try finding an ethical source of sugar- I tried and had a very hard time finding it. Learn about the corporate practices behind your food labels. So many of them are ravishing the environments or spewing poisons. Animal products are processed in the most disgusting ways. I don't like the idea of supporting meat companies that are so cruel to animals. Simply put, I don't want my consumer dollar to support any corrupt companies. 

2- What is the health cost behind your food? Many foods are contaminated with harmful or deadly bacteria due to the unclean practices used on the corporate farm. What are you ingesting along with your salad? What pesticides are on it? Did you know the fertilizers are often sewage sludge? (Doesn't that explain why there are so many food recalls from contaminated produce?)What about E coli? Salmonella? Read more about food safety issues from the Union of Concerned Scientists. What is in your milk? Did you know that milk is tainted with steroids, harmful hormones, and antibiotics? (Lactating mothers know they can't breastfeed their babies while on antibiotics because the medicine crosses into the breast milk.....so why are people okay with giving antibiotics and other drugs to dairy cows?) You can find good food in your area by clicking here or here. See why Jersey cow milk is healthier than the store-bought Holstein cow milk here.

3- What do you spend on food? As fuel prices increase, so does the food price. Remember all the oil used to grow the food? Farmers have to increase their produce price to compensate for their increased fuel costs. In the next year alone, the grocery prices will almost double, according to Marjory Wildcraft. Watch her lecture here to see why.

4- Food politics are a nasty thing. I feel like it's SO IMPORTANT to grow my own food or support local farms and avoid inadvertently giving money to Cargill and Monsanto (read or watch just about ANY food documentary and you'll learn about these corporations. It's too corrupt and too in-depth for me to try to share any of the issues here about those companies. You'd probably never come back after reading one of my lengthy tirades against bad food politics...politics like this.)

5- Why are you eating GMOs? Genetically Modified Food, aka Frankenfood. These have so many problems! In America these products aren't labeled, so you don't realize that the Kraft mac and cheese on your table contains GMO ingredients. These foods have been proven to cause health problems, and GMO foods are banned in most developed countries of the world. Japan's stance regarding GMOs is essentially "we'll watch what happens to America's children after eating GMOs for several years before we allow it in our own country. America can be the world's guinea pig". Aren't these red flags to you?

6- Do you realize what would happen if there was an oil embargo or trucking strike?  America would starve. Our food is produced almost exclusively with fossil fuels. Tractors are used to plant, fertilize, pesticide, and harvest the food. Tractors require a LOT of fuel. Then consider all the shipping fuel required to transport the food from the farm to your grocery store. What would happen with a trucking strike? Grocery stores would have empty shelves in less than 2 days. What would you do for your children? Do you really want to leave your food security in the hands of others?

I didn't used to think about my food, beyond the decision of what to make for dinner. I was first exposed to the concept of food origin (and it's accompanying politics, ethics, and health issues) in a book club. Then I learned some more in my own library digging.

In every book club I join I now recommend "Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollan. He was several books published about food, but this is a good one to start with.

I opened my mind to moving on a farm only after I read "Animal, Vegetable Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver. (It's the second book I recommend to friends.) Her family ate only what they could produce for themselves (or buy from a farm within a 5 mile radius) for an entire year, just to see if it was too difficult to be a lifestyle choice. It's a fascinating (and entertaining) read. Nathan and I enjoyed reading it aloud together in the evenings. She's a great writer. Her bibliography at the end lists a comprehensive list of books to read regarding the differing aspects of food safety, sustainability, and politics. There are too many for me to list here. Visit her website here.

"Fast Food Nation" is a great one to read particularly regarding meat-processing plants. I thought  most things had changed since the writing of Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle". I'm not as correct as I had thought. There are still so many glaring problems with just the food safety issues at these plants, let alone employee treatment.

I highly recommend you check those books out from your library and peruse them. It's so important to at least be educated about food issues so you can make your choices without ignorance. As the parents of our homes, we are the ones selecting the menus for our children. They trust us to do what's best for them. How can I encourage my loved ones to eat contaminated food?

If we don't know how to produce our own food, we are irretrievably chained to corporations. We lose freedoms. How? We depend on these companies for our own lives, literally our daily bread. Get to know your food. I'm a fiercely independent person and I refuse to be enslaved to company greed. I am not just a number in a statistic for their marketing teams to analyze. I am a free person, and I refuse to partake in the mass consumerism gripping our nation.


The answer for me was to be as self-reliant as possible. Not everyone can do that, but You CAN make a difference.  Learn how here. Learn more about food safety here. Those of you who prefer visual documentaries should watch "Food, Inc." to learn more about food issues.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.     ~Margaret Mead

If you have learned something new here, share this post online with others. Facebook. Twitter. It's so important that we know where our food comes from!

What we've been up to...

Here's a rundown of our family's activities for a while...

Guns. I've always felt uneasy around them, and have never wanted one in my home. Recently we had an experience where I believe we had a home intruder (can't know for sure since I hid in my room with the door locked until Nathan came home, so I never actually saw the person). I was so terrified. I realized that I needed some sort of home defense, so I began researching guns. I arranged a girls-day-out with some friends to the indoor shooting range so I could at least fire some guns and start practicing. Here are the results of my first try:

The one on the left is the target from a 12-gauge shotgun. They only let me use slugs on this range, so the kickback was really intense. I had a bruise the next day and I only fired 5 bullets on that gun! It really helped me overcome my fear of the guns though, so a handgun was a piece of cake after dealing with that monster.

I should tell you that I hate loud sharp sounds like gunfire. I can't stand hearing a balloon pop- this is why I don't take gigs requesting a balloon twister. I was so nervous to use these guns and hear them explode. When I first entered the gun range, there was a man on my left firing an AK-47, and a lady on my right practicing with some sort of cannon- I don't know what it would be called, but the barrel was a couple inches in diameter. Imagine those going off right next to you in an enclosed cement building. It was deafening, even with ear protection. After a few minutes of that noise, my own gun seemed like a baby's toy.

Valentine's Day- I completely missed posting about this because we were in the midst of drama with Sarah's intense infection last month. The children woke to a Cupid-style breakfast. Scottish oats with blueberries, homemade bread with homemade peach-blueberry jam, and pink milk. Daniel took a few excited bites, then tentatively tried to fly!

My sweet darling made me a complete Indian dinner from scratch. He worked on it for hours, then we enjoyed a delightful dinner together after the children were asleep. MMMM! Chicken Tika Masala, Palak Paneer, Hot Naan, Saffron Rice, and chutneys. A perfect meal! I love gifts of time, they are so meaningful.

We enjoyed having visits from Cupid- have I ever explained our Cupid tradition? I don't recall if it's already on this site. Cupid flies to the windows to peek in the rooms. He hates chaos and messes, so it's important that the children clean their rooms so Cupid will want to stay. He is also very shy and will fly away if there is contention, so if we want to make him feel welcome, w sing songs together. If there is love and harmony in the home, he will stop for a visit. When he visits, he leaves treats and little token gifts on the doorstep. The gifts are given in one big bundle, and the children practice equality skills in working together to divide the treats amongst themselves. It's really fun and the kids look forward to it every year. It's one of my favorite days as a mother- the children were cleaning cheerfully (gasp!) and singing together all day. It really makes for a beautiful day in our home.

We took a home school field trip into Austin to see the Slim GoodBody show. It's a musical comedy show that teaches children about anatomy and physiology. It's done in a kind of Broadway style. It was a-maz-ing and we really enjoyed it. Before you ask, yes- yes I did check Matthew out of public school for the day. I'm one of 'those' parents. I think he learned more at this than he would sitting in a desk all day anyway.

Afterwards we played on the UT campus grounds for a long time. The children all played in the fountains until they were absolutely drenched. Thank goodness for warm Texas winters!

The rest of February was spent dealing with Doctor's appointments and severe illness with Sarah's infection. We were worried for a long time. Thankfully the Lord blessed her with a return to health. Her lab work yesterday came back clean, so now it's time for the specialists to investigate her kidney function, access scarring, and do lots of invasive exploring to make sure her body is working properly so we can avoid another round of this E. coli playtime. We are immensley thankful for modern medicine and for health insurance.

Good Things to Come

I've been feeling overwhelmed this past week.

Part of this is due to my heath. Once again my old companion the migraine has rejoined me. I spent two long days confined to my bed, wracked with pain so intense that I was rendered nauseous and incoherent. The pain was so consuming and powerful that I couldn't even comprehend what my children were saying to me. I admit, that is a frightening situation....like literally losing one's mind. When the pain subsided at the end of the day, my children recalled conversations they had had with me earlier in the day. I had been awake, but held no recollection of our interactions. I'm so very thankful that my sister was here to step in and take over the house those days. I don't know what I would have done without her. The days this week that haven't been destroyed with migraines have been still plagued by constant headaches, just not the completely debilitating sort. I used to get migraines frequently, but it's been a few months since the last one.

I have really enjoyed the long absence of this old acquaintance, and I give it no warm welcome, yet there is always a positive outcome of each of these interludes. During the pain, my spirit feels intolerably trapped in a defective shell, and my deepest desire is simply to escape...to set my spirit free from the pain. After the episode subsides, it leaves me contemplating my life and the gift of my body. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I even have a body, no matter it's weaknesses. I feel a renewed wonder at what a marvelous creation each body is. I think about what it would be like to be without a body; to be only a spirit without power to embrace those I love. I am always left with a deep desire to hug and hold my children, and relish the feel of their warm bodies wrapped in my arms, and smell their hair and touch their soft skin, and shower their faces with kisses. I am also left with a heightened desire to use my body to accomplish good things; to work while I am able and not waste time distracted with meaningless diversions.

Medicine does not help ease my pain, and many times just makes things worse by adding side effects without reducing the severity of the migraine. As a result, I've had dozens of faith-building experiences that have cemented my testimony of the power of the priesthood. Man's knowledge of medicine cannot bring me relief, but a priesthood blessing can. There have been many times where the pain and all symptoms where completely gone literally less than 5 minutes after I was administered a blessing. In one powerful blessing, I was counseled to bear this affliction with patience because the Lord had chosen this trial for me so I could learn from it. I have learned a lot about so many things, but it's the type of learning that fails to be adequately captured in words. All I can really say is that it really has blessed me and forced me to refine my stubborn soul in ways that perhaps wouldn't have happened in any other avenue of my life.

I keep trying to learn whatever I can from this affliction. I figured if I can glean knowledge quickly enough from this trial and grow from it, then perhaps the Lord will stop sending me the same lesson. I must be a slow student.

This video is what has helped me keep optimistic this week.